Written by Gizmo (Deceased)
The following story is based off of actual events and characters. Names are changed to protect the “innocent.”
The week started off so good who knew it would end up the way it did. My brother, sister and I were heading through a jungle with some other random “people” that were on the slave ship that we were on. They seemed pretty nice, odd but nice. They are pretty quiet and seem to not like to talk very much.
We were just wandering through the jungle then it happened: My brother farted. Wow it was bad. I mean seriously it smelled like rotten eggs! I would say he has a gift but not such a good thing. Oh yeah, we got caught up in nets but compared to my brother that was nothing. My brother, the hairy leg guy and I were caught up in one net and my sister, the skinny guy and the other guy who seems to like to hear himself talk, and that is coming from me, got caught up in the other net.
We weren’t there for more than a few moments and then we saw them. They were these really weird guys wearing full body masks. Of course my brother, being the trigger happy guy he is, pulled out his gun. I decided in my great wisdom, and I do mean GREAT, that maybe it would be a bad idea to shoot the guys with spears while we are in nets. I told him to put his piece away. He seems to always like whipping his piece out and flaunting it.
They started talking about food or something and me, being the incredible scholar I am, could communicate with them so we could make some new friends. They seemed a little confused at first but let us down out of the nets. They saw the weird tattoo on the skinny guy and decided it was bad or something because they felt the need to beat the crap out of him till he was unconscious. They put him one of the spears tied up like a pig getting ready to be cooked over a fire. I am sure it is no big deal. They seem to not like him awake because they knock him out whenever he woke up. Maybe they didn’t like the sound of his voice or something, no big deal. The others were tied up and I got a mask and had a lovely conversation with the natives as they lead us back to their camp.
After a lovely stroll through the jungle we eventually got to their camp. It was quite primitive but nice enough. Then they introduced to their leader, after it is me. I guess they are having some kobold problems and they want our help. As the benevolent guy I am I decided we can help them out. Then, the worst thing ever happened…..they took my mask and gave it to my brother. Oh did I mention that pasty human guy was there, but that is not important, they gave my brother my mask. How rude of them! I convinced them that the pasty guy was on our side, I mean it is always good to have somebody to help with killing things, right? The more the merrier after all. I am sure nothing bad will come from it.
Since they seemed to like the fact that we are going to help them they threw us a great feast. They even had dancers. Of course the first one that fell down seemed to be made into dessert, that is not important. There were many exotic foods. I ate a small dinosaur. It tasted like chicken. I thought it was good but my brother didn’t seem to be able to handle the food and was sick all night. We got a good nights rest, well most of us, and then headed out in the morning with a group of aboriginal escorts. They wanted us to bring back the kobold leaders head. No big deal, right? We had an easy 3 day travel to the cave.
The aboriginals decided to hold my sister, the skinny guy, and the talker too make sure we come back, or at least I think so. I was not too sad to leave them behind because it was too loud having the talker around. Then I ran into my nemesis……..water. At this point I was glad to have the pasty guy around. I didn’t exactly swim well but he seemed to be able to just walk on the floor of it to the other side. He grabbed me and got me over to the other side before something bad happened. At this point my brother found a friend: a giant eel. When we all noticed it, the big pasty guy grabbed it to try to help out. I forget what happened after that and it somehow got free and attacked me. It didn’t feel to good but luckily I had some great friends to help out. Eventually, it swam after learning of our superiority.
As we started going through the cave we noticed some kobolds up ahead. I told the bigger guys to hold back a bit to let my brother and sneak up on them and surprise them. I am not sure why but my brother decided to yell at them “this is my boomstick” when I was about to shoot them. That is my brother for you. The started shooting arrows at us and at this point the big pasty guy backed up and decided to study them to get some tactical advantage. My brother and I slowly backed up and headed back to the water to hopefully make us harder targets. I am not sure what happened to the horn guy, he disappeared. We took the kobolds out as the glorious adventurers we are. Sure they got a few lucky hits on my brother and I but we were still good.
We decided to go further in and find the kobold leader and ran into some webs. The pasty guy seemed to like fire and lit them on fire. It turned out to be a good idea because there were some big spiders that didn’t like it. The fire pretty much took care of them and then we moved on. We eventually ran into a big kobold head on a long spear and a rope ladder. We figured that was the head we were looking for so the big pasty guy grabbed the spear and the head. To make sure that was what we were looking for we went up the ladder to double check. We went up the ladder to a room with a door.
We go through the door with little problems and head down the hallway. To the right was a bunch of doors but I am sure that is no big deal and we continued to the door at the end of the hallway. My brother, being the skilled guy he is, unlocked the door to see a very surprised guy in robes two imps and a weird looking dog. He asked why we didn’t use the password and I explained to him that why use a password when I know how to get in. He didn’t buy it, I don’t know why, and started casting. The battle begun. The dog seemed to like the horned guy, one of the imps liked me and the other imp liked the pasty guy. The horned guy got a good hit on the wizard with his bow before the dog got to him. Out of nowhere 3 kobolds appeared surrounding the pasty guy. This actually seemed to backfire on the robed guy. My brother and I skillfully kept the imp busy while the horned guy seemed to scare the dog with some water and the pasty guy decided that the kobolds were good weapons and used them as clubs. It worked better than you thought. For some reason my brother shot his gun at the imp and seemed to attract all the guys from the other doors we saw earlier. Luckily he shut the door before they could get in the room with us. The pasty guy skillfully ended up taking down the kobolds and the wizard and the imps decided that was a good time to exit. The dog pretty much was running scared of the horned guy the whole time. Eventually he must have gotten bored and then he killed it. Oh did I mention there was some random girl in there. Well that is not important. Eventually we opened the door and killed all of the minions till there is one left to interrogate. The pasty guy tied him down to table while my brother were talking. Then “censored” happened my brother made a note and exited the room. We started heading back and found a weird whole with a bunch of spears. We went through found a bunch of spiders on the left and decided to leave them alone. On the right side there was as skeleton in manacles and some webs. The pasty guy must not like webs because he lit them on fire too. The same thing happened as the first time he did it, who knew there were so many spiders around. He took the leg bones of the skeleton for some reason and my brother and I grabbed the manacles. I am sure we can find something useful out of them later on.
We get back out of there after the horned guy took care of the spears that would have made it really hard to get out and headed back to the water. For some reason the girl was afraid to go through the water, which actually I kind of understand to be fair. Speaking of which, the pasty guy and I went through to take the head to the masked guys which he had to help me again. Swimming is obviously not my best skill. We got there and the masked guys were gone. It was almost like they didn’t believe we would make it back or something. I don’t know why.
We made it back through the water the same way we got to the other side and decided to head back to the village. My brother and I made a stick that would create a fire so we could find the pond and find the way back since the lady wouldn’t go through the water. We headed out of the front of the cave and found the pasty guy by finding the smoke. We had an uneventful trip back to the village. For some reason they seemed surprised to see us, I don’t know why. After some smooth talking on my part they patched us up and gave us a reward for the head. We all got the cool masks and some random trinkets. They wanted us to stay but we decided we should head back and get the lady back to her dad. Did I mention her dad is some big ex-pirate or something, but that is not important at all. We asked for a guide to get us back to the port that the chief was more than willing to give us. The guide seemed really excited to lead us back.
A few days on the way to the port something really weird happened. I started feeling weird. It looked like my brother, the horned guy, and the lady had the same thing happen. Somehow I had this rage towards my brother and knew it was somehow his fault. So at about the same time, we started to attack each other as well as the horn guy attacking me and the lady attacking the horned guy. It was really weird. The pasty guy looked like he was entertained as he decided to lean against a tree to see how it played out. Well after a while the lady and my brother seemed to snap out of it, me and the horned guy not so much. I guess the pasty guy got bored and decided to try to help out with his sword. He hit me hard a few times and then I was unconscious and bleeding. My brother decided to try to help me by continually hitting my chest. Strangely it did not work but did do a great job of ending my suffering. After helping me out the pasty guy decided to help out the horn guy with his sword as well. It worked just as well as with me and then there were two.
How am I telling this story you ask; well don’t it is not important. This is the story of the gnome and the satyr and their fates.